The Beating of A Dead Heart
by Mononoke-hime x sukai kurora
Summary: AU to chapter fifty-nine. The Central Military Police soldier did not hesitate to kill Jean. Armin, distraught and enraged, kills her from the intensity of his emotions. Now Armin is numb, feeling nothing as the cursed memories of Jean torment him, and as his grief almost overwhelms him, Levi offers him surprisingly comforting words as he shares a secret that no one knew.


_ The Beating of A Dead Heart_

Armin Arlert felt nothing. He could still see the blood spraying everywhere as he heard both shots. He heard his audible horrified gasp as he saw Jean, his eyes blank in the grasp of death, fall to the ground. Armin wasn't even certain what happened after that. All he felt was rage. Rage he hadn't even known existed within him. Then his memory was blank. He hadn't even known how he was able to drive the carriage to the hideout, or even stand. Armin was told they had to abandon Jean's body. It would slow them down; and it wouldn't be possible to dig a grave with the situation right now. Armin was told that he had struggled then, using his hands and anything he had in protest to prevent form Jean being left behind. He had only been reprehended by a punch to the face by Levi-_heichō_. Only then did he did what was asked and said nothing, his eyes seeing nothingness.

No one had approached him since then. Not even Mikasa did. He just wouldn't respond. His eyes, once so full of life, bore they eyes of a dead man. Only one thought ran though his mind. _Jean is dead. Jean…is dead. Dead. Dead. Deaddeaddead. _That one word almost became a prayer as it refused to leave Armin's mind. It echoed inside him, and buried inside his very core. Armin saw inside his mind Jean dying once again, blood everywhere. Blood. At the thought of the life's blood that had seeped out of Jean as he died, and remembering the last thing Armin remembered before he blacked out, the boy inside him – Armin was a man now, after killing a human being. – put his hand to his mouth as he attempted to choke down on the vomit creeping up in his throat. Armin closed his eyes in attempt to calm himself as the vomit leaked through both of his hands. Another memory of Jean's blank eyes caused another violent lurch to his stomach, and Armin gasped as vomit filled his throat.

He violently vomited and heaved as his breath became gasps. Cold sweat coated the back of his neck and his face as Jean's face appeared in his mind again. The light brown hair, swaying slightly in the wind as blood dripped upon it, and the hands that still were held above his head, eerily still, and Jean's hazel eyes open and gaping. And dead. Armin felt a scream tearing at his throat as he remembered. _Jean… _He remembered the feeling of rage that spread through him. Rage that filled him up. Fury that made it so that he would kill anyone that got in his way from killing her. And then he did. Only Armin had no memory of it.

Armin wasn't certain what he felt after the deaths he had witnessed. He had felt grief and rage and distraught when he saw the light go out of Jean's eyes…but how did he feel about the other death? All he knew now was that he felt nothing. He felt nothing anymore. Armin felt nothing as he started to shake. Violent tremors soon came, and he hugged his knees in vain as his entire body shook. _Jean… _He saw his face, sleeping after a long night's watch. He saw him, giving a small smile at something Armin said. He heard his voice, loud and brash at when they first met and then serious and calm and uncertain when Armin truly knew him. Armin's breath became gasps as he recalled more memories that Jean had given him. He heard Jean laugh and ruffle his hair at some joke that he made, remembering of how surprisingly soft Jean's hands were. Armin remembered of how at times, Jean seemed to be the only one who understood him. He was the one who told him his dream for the future, and his hopes and his fears. Armin choked, remembering of how fondly Jean spoke of his mother.

_How can I…?_ He tore at his hair, muffling the scream by grounding his teeth through his lips as Armin remembered how Jean had comforted him when he had been traumatized by his kidnapping. Eren and Mikasa, his two best friends that he had known since childhood, ceased to notice him. It was Jean who comforted him and dried away his tears. It was him who had stated to Armin that he wished he had beat that man to a pulp. Armin gulped, trying hard to control his ragged breathing. At last the tears fell when Armin remembered how Jean had kissed his hair while comforting him to sleep that night, and of how…

"Jean…" Droplets of tears fell onto Armin's lap and onto the ground below as he remembered the young man named Jean Kirstein. "Jean…!" _I couldn't protect you. Why…? Why did I have the strength to save you…and yet couldn't? Like that time…I was too much of a coward to save Eren! I…had the strength this time, and yet… _Soft sobs echoed in the dark night. _Why…did I not die instead of you? I would…I would have…_

"It hurts, doesn't it, Armin?" Armin gasped, turning his head that was buried in his hands across from him. Levi-_heichō_ was sitting beside him, looking at the sky without acknowledging him. It almost seemed as if he didn't speak at all. "Love," Levi-_heichō_ whispered. "More trouble than its damn worth."

_Love? _Armin's eyes widened at the word. He thought about the times of when his heart melted at the sight of Jean asleep, and of how the world always seemed to be brighter with Jean around. He touched his lips, remembering of how soft and warm Jean's lips were against his own. His first and last kiss. Armin remembered how good it felt, and of how he dreamed of a new dream. Of Jean by his side.

"I…" he whispered. Armin couldn't even speak. It came out as a croak. "I…"

"You loved him." Levi-_heichō_'s voice was strangely sentimental, as if he was remembering memories of his past. "What hurts most of all…is having that person taken away from you."

"I…killed a human being because I was angry," Armin whispered. "Because…I felt...nothing but fury. I didn't want him to be dead. I didn't….want to see his dead eyes and know he was gone like so many other people. I killed her because even though I didn't want to acknowledge it, Jean…was dead, and I was enraged for her taking him away. I didn't feel anything," Armin whimpered as tears trailed down his cheeks. He could feel Levi's gray eyes observing him. "I didn't feel happy…or angry. I felt nothing. I killed someone…and I felt nothing."

Levi-_heichō_ said nothing as Armin continued to cry and sob. His eyes revealed nothing inside. Then he sighed. "It is dangerous to love, because when a loved one dies, it feels that you yourself are no more dead than they are. I…know what it is like to feel that I wanted to kill all the people around me. Many times," he stated to Armin.

"So many times I felt as if my fucked-up life was bleeding out of me. Many times I felt that I wanted to die. You're lucky, Armin." Armin looked at Levi-_heichō_ in surprise, noting of how his leader spoke slowly now. "You were able to kill the one who had killed the one you loved. How I wanted to kill the Female Titan. How wanted to kill the bitch who had slaughtered my squad and my love." He paused. "Or perhaps you weren't lucky. It doesn't bring them back. Nothing will, except the cursed memories that come with it."

"You…loved Petra Ral?" Armin was aware of the shock in his voice. _I never thought…Eren said he followed the rules so much. _"Of the former Special Operations Squad?" Levi-_heichō_ didn't answer. _His silence tells all. And I… _He thought about Jean. Of all the things about him that he loved, that were now nothing but a memory.

"I know you regret your decision because you couldn't save Jean," Levi-_heichō_ stated quietly. "I too regret my decision to leave my squad behind when I was ordered to. I couldn't save Petra. But there is one thing you can do for them." Armin looked up, noting of how Levi-_heichō_ was now staring at him with grave eyes. "We can take their memory and use it for our strength. I…still remember when I failed to save the first two people who meant the world to me. I still carry the regret inside me, just as you do, Armin. With every death I felt myself fade away even more, but then I remembered how the memory of Isabel and Farlan and all of those that had died gave me strength. Even though he is dead, Armin, his strength still lives on. In you. Take his strength in yours, and make it so that he will never die."

Armin felt the sting of tears in his eyes again, and felt the warmth of them slide down his cheeks. "Memories of loved ones never fade as long as you remember them. And if you die…you won't be able to remember them. If you truly love Jean and wanted his dreams to come true, then do your best to stay alive and keep his strength within you."

"I…understand." Armin whispered. He softly wiped away his tears. "Thank you. You're actually kind, Levi-_heichō_. Even though you don't show it…you actually care for each of every one of us, which is why you too must be grieving from Jean, no? Even so, you're comforting me through my own pain."

Levi_ heichō_ stared at Armin for a moment. His expression on his face was unreadable. "Tch." Armin's eyes broke away from him as he stared at the night sky. _"I never told anyone this, but…I actually love stars. They're, uh, rather pretty. Let's go see them together and watch as many stars as we can, Armin, when all of this is over."_

"Jean…" Armin whispered. His heart was still breaking in two at the thought of the man he loved. "I'll see the stars…for both of us." The tears were slipping into his mouth, tasting like the blood that Armin had tasted inside his mouth moments before. "I promise…to live on for you…and always remember…"

"I love you."


End file.
